OU vs. Miami (feat. a little college football No Pants Dance Party)

Once again, it's game time, b*tches! This week we are paid a visit from our old, fellow, yayo snorting arch-rivals from the '80s (you know, the decade you were barely alive in, you freshman bastards). In 1985, the Jailbirds last visit to Norman, threateningly-handsome Troy Aikman had his OU career ended when he suffered a broken leg on a hit delivered by Jerome Brown. This ushered in the era of Jamelle Hollieway and his fur coats. From 1985-87, OU was 33-3, with all three losses coming at the hands of the Hurricanes and their rap sheets. As an aside, the off-field rivalry is something to behold in retrospect. Miami. Truly the only program that could go toe-to-toe with us from a corruption and possible coke orgy perspective. Good times. On to the game.

The Sooners should win. I say again, we SHOULD win. OU is clearly the more talented team, and after one week, seem to have the offensive balance that the current incarnation of the 'Canes could only sex-dream of. BUT, the Miami defense is insane. Arguably better than ours. The 11 young men that will be lining up opposite new favorite sons Sam Bradford and DeMarco Murray are beyond legit. When you consider the fact that Bradford can't conceivably make it rain/torrential downpour all over the field like he did last week, the ground game becomes exponentially more important. Last year, Miami's defense allowed a ridiculous 2.3 yards per carry. You'd have an easier time nailing the hot girl under the protection of her two fat friends after the game on Campus Corner than effectively running against that (or you could have two VERY nice/horny wingmen sweep in with nachos and hamburgers, making your job easier and the point of my craptastic metaphor moot. It really is the only way).

Notable players: defensive end/monsters Calais Campbell and Kenny Phillips (there is talk that he is the best DB to ever don a Hurricane jersey, which is high praise considering Ed Reed was playing centerfield for them in the not-so-distant past) are both projected to be possible Top 10 picks in the NFL Draft next year.

As dominant and intimidating as their defense is, the Miami offense is basically the exact opposite. They just don't have the talent at the moment. The formerly highly-touted savior of "Quarterback U," Kyle Wright, makes Miami fans long for the comparative competence of Brock Berlin. Thus, coach Randy Shannon has handed the keys over to Kirby Freeman, who thus far, makes recently departed Georgia Tech field general, Reggie Ball, look more like Peyton Manning, and less like the throw-into-triple-coverage interception machine that he was. Freeman's ability to read a defense could make the Sex Cannon smile/orgasm. That said, the 'Canes do have a pair of excellent, young running backs in Javarris James (cousin of former 'Cane and current NFL studmuffin, Edgerrin James) and Graig Cooper who could wreck havoc if given the opportunity.

Rextasy (far right) is here, and he's dishing out throwgasms.

In summary, again, OU should walk away the with the 'W'. However, this is a Miami team that one takes lightly at his own risk. If the 'Canes defense comes to play and Freeman can keep the picks under 3, this could be a 14-10 slugfest, or worse, an orgy of field goals.

The underrated key to this game will be OU's defensive front seven. If they can contain the Miami ground game, this has the potential to get ugly. Arguably, the most important battle on the field will be waged between man-houses Phil Loadholt and the aforementioned Campbell (6-8, 350 lbs. and 6-8, 285 lbs. respectively). Loadholt has been able to get it done by simply overpowering his opponents in the past, which lead to a stunted development in his footwork. Lined up against a freak of nature with rare speed for a man his size, this could be an issue. The fact that Loadholt covers the young Sam's blindside makes this match-up even more important. The keys to this game lie with one of the oldest cliches in football: control the line of scrimmage = winning the game. Or as Merv Johnson would probably say, the team that scores the most points is gonna win this one, Bob. It's that easy.

Screw you James Marsden! I'm the new pride of Putnam City!

[Here's a link to a nice article in The Daily about the game. Coincidentally, it was written by a writer for Miami's student paper and not one of our writers. Weird.]

Moving on to the Boyd Street's first College Football No Pants Dance Party:

Let's take a peak at some of the other games on the schedule this weekend.

No.9 Virginia Tech at No.2 LSU:

LSU, like in the recent past, is a scary team this year. If this game were in Blacksburg, I might be inclined to go with the Hokies in this one, but it's not, so I can't. Compounding the fact that it's a road game, Va Tech's offense looked quite anemic last week, and the offensive line could do nothing to protect quarterback Sean Glennon from the vaunted Eastern Carolina pass rush. Both defenses are pretty stout, but the Tigers are just a bit better.

Matt Flynn might have had a nice game last week while aerially gangbanging perennial SEC doormat but socially progressive (we have a black coach ... in the SEC!) Mississippi St.; however, I still don't trust the guy. One thing the Hokies have in their favor though is English language rapist, Les Miles standing on the opposite sideline. Miles reactionary, tiny-penis-syndromed coaching style historically fares poorly against well-coached football teams, which is what Frank Beamer traditionally brings to the field. Still, LSU is simply a better team this year, and thus, will probably win the "Tragedy Bowl."

"Called control at points" if I've ever seen it.

No.19 TCU at No.7 Texas:
After struggling against Sun Belt juggernaut Arkansas St. last week (just so you know, Ark St. is not good), Mack "I'll answer that for Chris" Brown's boys face off against a pretty good Horned Frogs team. I hope the Longhorns lose. If Texas wins I hope the fans take turns raping one another with corndogs to celebrate. Either way, I win.

Florida Atlantic at Oklahoma State:

This is only on here because I hate OSU. After being dominated by a young Georgia team last week, Bobby Reid and the Cowboys should find a lot less resistance on their way to the endzone this weekend. After they win by 30 or 40+ points, OSU can go back to touting its offense on the SCHOOL'S WEBSITE as the best EVAH while the student population learns the pros and cons of corn growing with sprinklers vs. classic irrigation, and the fanbase can continue debating the advantages of sexing sheep vs. a more aggressive animal like a mountain lion.

Yeah. This will never happen.

Oregon at Michigan:

Bounce back game here. Michigan is not a bad team. A once overrated team perhaps, but they are far from awful. Unfortunately, Oregon runs a similar offense to Appalachian St. and has better athletes than the boys from North Carolina. According to MGoBlog, App. State ran the same zone read play a whopping 21 times last week because Michigan's defense couldn't stop it or adjust to it and the linebackers are apparently retarded.

And finally ...

Notre Dame at No.14 Penn St.:

Jimmy Clausen makes his starting debut against a solid, veteran Nittany Lion defense this week. You might remember Jimmy from his ludicrous recruitment last year, his being the golden child of the prestigious Clausen quarterbacking family, or maybe you fed him on a trip to Arbuckle wilderness:

The manliest way to show off championship jewlery. EVER.

As an aside, why does the media collectively ejaculate over him being a Clausen. His older brothers sucked. Why should he be any better? The favorite team of Touchdown Jesus sucked last week, so I envision them sucking this week too. It won't happen, but there is a legit possibility that The Irish could be 0-8 heading into November and their annual slaughter of Stanford and America's service academies. The moral of the story? God hates the Catholics.

Well, I certainly hope you stuck with me through that. Enjoy the weekend and the orgy of football that it will be!

[I'm a liar folks. This turned out to be more of a marathon post than I originally thought, and you probably are fed up with my debatable writing talents for the day. Dating guide on Monday or Tuesday. Bank on it, or I owe you alcohol.]